Mucky stuff on t' stattelite

"Hello Bill, it's Harry. How's things?"

"Oh we're fine. How's your leg?"

"Killin' me mate, killin' me.I told that young woman doctor, whatsername, they might as well chop it off an' give me a wooden 'un if it's going to be like this."

"Are you taking pain killers?"

"Oh yeah, she gave me some right strong 'uns. They help, but they don't take the stabbin' feelin' right off. She says it'll get better but it'll be a long job. I told her at my age I haven’t time for a long job, and she just laughed. Trouble is the pills bung me up, so I’m on the senna tea."

"Well you shouldn't have gone arse over tip down the banking should you?"

"I know that. Mavis says I'm a daft old sod trying to strim up there at my age, but no bugger else will do it. Don’t say owt, but I think I cracked a rib as well. I’m keeping quiet about that one. "

"Ee, I don’t know. Anyway, how's Nigger?"

"He's doing all right, but the vet said it was a close call. Two knackered old buggers, that’s us!"

"I bet that op set you back a few bob, didn't it?"

"Aye it did that, but the old sod's worth it. Trouble is he's too fat, but how do you get the weight off a lab? He's such a greedy bugger, and he's that crafty! He gets grub from all over."

"Aye, they're all the same aren't they?"

"Aye, they are that. You know, she's a snotty little cow, that receptionist. When I took him in she wouldn't put his name down. Said I ought to change it. I don't know what's up with some of 'em these days."

"I haven't been in there since the last dog died. We don't bother much about the cats. One of 'em's been bleeding from its arse for a bit now, suppose we ought to get 'er looked at."

"Aye, it's all money though, ain't it? Anyway, what I rung for, well you know since you came over everything's been OK, we've nivver had none of that snowstorm business or nuthin’, but now I've got summat gone wrong in the bedroom."

"Mmm?"

"Aye, it sets off alreet and we just get interested like, then it sorta comes to a juddering stop, then it's off again, then it stops again."

"Blimey Harry, fancy getting up to that sort of thing at your age! Anyway it's no good telling me. You want to go and see that young doctor lassie of yours – she'll put some lead in your pencil."

"Gerrout yer daft bugger! I'm on abaht t' telly! Tha' knows I am!"

"Yeah, all right, go on then."

"In the end I threw t' towel in last night and switched it off. Put the ordinary number-one-number-two-number-three on like we used to."

"Just a minute. Have you bought something?"

"Yeah, I got one o' them digitittle things from a bloke on the market. It can't be that what's wrong because it's plug and play."

"Oh."

"That means you plug it in and it works just like that with no trouble. Have you seen 'em?"

"Yeah, I've seen a fair few."

"Are they any good like?"

"Yes, they're very good as long as you haven't got a really cheap one. If you have it isn't plug and play it's plug and pray."

"Oh, well it were £49.95 with a five year guarantee. Will it be alreet?"

(Gulp) "Yes, I should think so. Why have you put it in the bedroom?"

"Ah well tha' sees, there's mucky stuff on t' stattelite, in't there, and I didn't want grandchildren to see it, so I put it int' bedroom to see how we got on."

"Well, it isn't anything to do with satellite anyway, but err. . ."

"What is it then?"

"Well it's err . . . look, I'll tell you what, shall I come round and have a look?"

"I wish you would. I'll mek thee a cuppa tea."

Harry looked alarmingly frail, as any ninety-year-old would after rolling down an earth banking. The chocolate Labrador laid on his back and showed me his stitches. The new box turned out to be a 'Strong' DTT box and it worked OK, but the autotune had found Belmont despite the aerial pointing at Emley. Since the signal strength was very high I left a 9dB attenuator in place, having re-installed the box. No further problems apparently.

Bill